In 2001, when I was 13 years old, a school assignment had me project the future timeline of what I thought my life would be.
All those other lame kids in my class just made straightforward little straight-line time charts.
But not me.
I made a time-spiral, wrapping around on itself and projecting my life all the way to the year 9,999,999,999, where I would die at a ripe old 9,999,998,011 years old.
Here are the other highlights. (Full resolution is here.)
1988 (0 years old): Walked, born, said 1st word
1990 (2 years old): 1st contest won
[I presume I meant the photo contest my parents entered me in as a child.]
1992 (4 years old): Preschool
1993 (5 years old): Kindergarten
1994 (6): 1st Science Fair Won
1995 (7): Golden Birthday, 2nd Science Fair Won
[7/7]
1997 (9): 3rd Science Fair Won
[I guess I didn’t win in 1996…]
1998 (10): Minnesota State Fair on TV
[This refers to when I got on television at the state fair, relevant here obviously because it’s my first tv appearance of many to come.]
1999 (11): Learned to swim
2000 (12): Last Science Fair
2001 (13): Make timeline to predict life
[Which of course refers to this very timeline. Clearly a very notable event. All entries before this have thus been accurate.]
2003 (15): Get Driver’s License
[I believe this was accurate – certainly within a year.]
2004 (16): Get a Car
[Thanks to my parents, this was accurate.]
2006 (18): Graduate
[Referring to High School — accurate prediction once again.]
2009 (21): Get a Job, Get Married
[I had been working since I was 16, but I did get a new job in 2009, so the first part was spot on! The second part… um… not so much.]
2010 (22): Graduate from College, Have a Kid
[I did indeed graduate from Columbia College in 2010, so the first part was once again perfectly predicted. The second part was certainly not. Unless there’s something I don’t know about…]
2011 (23): Declared innocent until proven guilty
[I believe I was to be cleared of some crime here?]
2012 (24): Have another kid
[Also did not happen, thank hell.]
2014 (26): Get promoted to the CEO of whatever company I work at
[I didn’t know where I’d be working or what I’d be doing, but I sure as hell knew that I’d be getting lots of promotions. And y’know, once I got into my career I sorta did. But granted, not yet to CEO.]
2020 (32): Get abducted by aliens
[This one did not happen, although given that aliens could have memory-erasing technology, I really can’t actually rule this one out definitively. 2020 was so crazy anyway, who knows?]
2023 (35): Get accused falsely of a murder
[Another crime implication! But I’m innocent, I swear! I was watching too much Matlock.]
2025 (37): Steal Bill Gates’ mansion & blackmail him not to tell anyone
[Looks like I’m going to be living large in a few years. Bill Gates won’t say a damn thing if he knows what’s good for him.]
2028 (40): I own the company
[Remember that company I’ve been CEO of for the last 14 years? Yeah, I guess I own it now.]
2029 (41): Learn to ride bike
[This was, and continues to be, a joke about how I never learned how to ride a bike as a child and still have not to this day. But by 2029, maybe!]
2040 (52): Get my own sitcom
[By 2040 I have moved lanes from successful owner/CEO to actor, and I’m now appearing on TV weekly. Or streaming, or whatever we have by then.]
2042 (54): Be turned into a cartoon star
[My sitcom was so successful, they made a cartoon version of it too. Gotta appeal to more audiences.]
2043 (55): Star in my first movie
[From a tv star to a beloved children’s cartoon, to a big picture action movie on the silver screens, all within a whirlwind 3 years.]
2046 (58): Retire
[Phew! I’m rich and exhausted.]
2049 (61): I invent something miraculous to get me lots of cash
[I’ve spent the last few years tinkering in Bill Gates’ mansion on my movie star salary and I’ve invented a new product that everybody needs. Perhaps it was inspired by my alien abduction.]
2052 (64): Become a national hero for no exact reason
[Just because.]
2053 (65): Find the Holy Grail
[This isn’t what makes me live a long time though, that’s just going to happen anyway. The Holy Grail is just a nice touch.]
2055 (67): Go to Iraq and get arrested
[I remember my mother being very concerned about this one.]
2056 (68): Escape from an Iraqi high-security prison
[You can’t hold me! Less than a year and I’m out of there!]
2057-9,999,999,998: …
[During this admittedly wide span of time, I suppose I’ll continue exploring, living large, enjoying my amazing life. There are so many wonders I couldn’t even fit them all on this big piece of construction paper.]
9,999,999,999 (9999998011 years old): I DIE
As you can see in the top right corner, I got 100% on this assignment. That means this is completely correct.